How to apologize in a meaningful way
Saying, "I'm sorry" is never enough on it's own.
I recently listened to a wonderful conversation led by Adam Grant, The Secrets of a Great Apology. It’s a secret no more!
Adam initially gave five aspects, with all the words beginning with an “R”, and later added a sixth. (The irony is that he didn’t correct or apologize for changing the count. I’ll forgive him, even without him asking, since this conversation was so helpful to me.)
Here are the six aspects of meaningful apology:
Regret. The first step involves saying, “I’m sorry.” It’s important to express regret that you said or did something to hurt or offend the other person. But don’t give a “drive-by sorry” and move on with your life.
Rationale. Explain what led to what you did. Don’t just make excuses about all the things you couldn’t control (“I was late because of traffic.”). Be sure to give an internal/personal attribution (“I was late because I didn’t properly allocate my time or anticipate the morning traffic.”)
Responsibility. You need to own up to what you did. Taking personal responsibility is the most important part of apologizing. Without this, the apology comes across as empty.
Repentance. In biblical context, the idea of repentance means to turn in a different direction, and that applies here. Repentance looks to the future and says, “I won’t do this again.”
Repair. Whereas repentance looks forward, repair looks back at the violation and tries to restore or rectify the wrong that was done. The best apologies involve overdelivering reparations. Compare these personal examples of ways that companies repaired a (minor) wrong done to me:
I use floss picks. One brand was terrible, in that I usually had to use 3 or 4 flossers every time I flossed, because the floss kept snapping. I reached out to the company, which was especially difficult, because they wanted me to send a DM on Twitter (X) or Instagram, but I have mostly been off social media. (I don’t even know my Twitter password anymore.) Then they wanted a receipt, but I didn’t have it. Eventually, they finally sent a manufacturer’s coupon that was really difficult to use (at the store where I redeemed it, it took a cashier and a manager a full five minutes to figure out how to give me the credit). I have since switched brands, and have never had an issue with the new one.
I bought some store brand potato chips. We’ve had that brand before, but this bag came from a bad lot. Most of the chips were in fragments and were burnt. I contacted the store online, and within a week we received a fairly large box, containing four bags of great chips, to make up for the one bad bag that we purchased. Loyalty assured!
Request forgiveness. Be sure you are not doing this to make yourself feel better. The other person needs to have the freedom to deny or delay forgiveness, reconciliation, or trust. But by asking for forgiveness, you are inviting in the other person and giving them agency.
What is the “why” behind apologizing? For your own growth and to show love.
Adam Grant closed the show with these words:
“When you apologize, you're not acknowledging that you're a bad person. You're taking a step toward becoming a better person, and you're showing you care about the other person.”
PS — If you didn’t like this post, I am sorry. It was the best I could do in the moment, and I will work to do better in the future. Is there something I can do to make up for your lost time, like buy you a cup of coffee? Will you forgive me?